Dear Baby,
Nineteen months ago I sat with my husband Seth (or Dad to you) on our couch and said, “It’s time that we start making some serious decisions about whether we want to have kids.” To give you a little background, the previous year had been busy with Seth finishing his Ph.D. and our packing up our little house in Kentucky and moving to a suburb of Atlanta. I was thirty-four.
We had done everything we’d said we’d wanted to do before having a family. We’d finished his degree, bought a new larger house, gotten settled (well, mostly) in Georgia, saved some money in the bank. So what are we waiting for? I wondered.
The truth is that your dad (and maybe me too) were living a little bit in denial. The window was closing, and as much as people tell you that there is “plenty of time,” every doctor in the world will tell you that it is a lie. At 35 you are considered an old woman to start having babies, and all your risk factors go up, up, up.
Furthermore, I could hear my own voice ringing in my ears. My mother had me (quite accidentally) at 41, and throughout my life I had stated matter-of-factly that I would NEVER have children so late in life. Oh, but, Baby, life is full of surprises, and the time from ages 25 to 35 goes so much faster than you can ever imagine.
So once decisions were made that we would officially start thinking about officially trying, we were off…to find no success. Month after month, we had no luck. We read the books. We kept a calendar. Zero. Nothing. Nada.
All of sudden you start realizing that this making-another-human business is not as easy as everyone says. Then you start to question everything and get stressed, and at some point you have to pick a direction – either you become completely obsessed about every detail of the process, desperate to figure out “why,” OR you surrender. I chose the latter.
“We’ll buy a house in Italy with the extra money,” we said. “We’ll travel and dote on our nieces and nephews. Besides we weren’t sure we wanted to have kids in the first place.” And it was all true. And that house in Italy sounded pretty great. And I was at peace with that vision of our future.
Well, everyone tells you that the moment you stop trying so hard is the moment that you get pregnant. It wasn’t exactly that immediate, but that is more or less the case. Now you’re a real, live person that we will have the pleasure of meeting in January, and, with hindsight, we can see that this journey was less about "having a plan" and more about letting what was meant to happen simply happen. The result: your Dad and I are so happy and amazed and grateful (and, to be honest, a little freaked out and overwhelmed too) about your joining our family.
So, Baby, this first lesson is one that took me a long time to learn as a Type-A, slightly neurotic, workaholic (you’ll understand soon enough). Life gives you exactly what you need when you need it (not necessarily when you want it). But if you are truly happy with your life now, if you are living in the present (like the Buddhists tell you to do), if you have accepted that the seemingly worst case scenario is not bad but, in fact, is just different, life will be so much easier.
Because the ultimate goal is to spend your time on Earth as wisely as possible, and to do that you must waste little of it grieving the past or wringing your hands about unmet expectations. Take a deep breath. Move forward. Be prepared for whatever new and exciting adventure is around the corner. Sometimes getting what you want IS just a matter of letting go of the oars. Stop trying to steer the boat and allow yourself to drift. What you find downstream is often better than what you originally dreamed.
You are loved,
Mom
You are loved,
Mom
